I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on..

My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes..

Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice..

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing..

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest..

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard..

A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing..

I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate..

Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea..

It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser..

On the way to the delivery room, I almost changed my mind about having a baby. I wouldn't have found it so hard to go ahead with it if I had realized….

My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows..

get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one..

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit..

I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren..

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grand….

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core..

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered..

I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to..

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are..

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do..