Occupation: Comedienne Birth: July 17, 1917 Death: August 20, 2012
I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan..
My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car..
Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce..
Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?.
Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it..
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know..
My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in..
I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned..
My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide..
When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned….
Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody..
Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight..
Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't part….
Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!.
I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!.
self-pity is better than none..
... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular..
To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow….
If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all..
They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!.
I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality..