[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age..

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking..

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room..

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality..

... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year..

self-pity is better than none..

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!.

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him..

There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake..

Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards..

All mothers are working mothers..

I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along..

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo..

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling..

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough..

Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in..

Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition..

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour..

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant..

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home..