My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear..

Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped..

I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead..

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee..

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto..

Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves..

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in..

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight..

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning..

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers..

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like..

Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days..

Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty..

I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip..

I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies..

It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on..

You want to look younger... rent smaller children..

Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it..