What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day..

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet..

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move..

I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio..

If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm..

Comedy is tragedy revisited..

One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!.

I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.".

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture..

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'.

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him..

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls..

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day..

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out..

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'.

Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it,….

Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could d….

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me..

In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now see….

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves..

My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in..