When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch..

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron..

When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned….

It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister..

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe..

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it..

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions..

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows..

Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream -- I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one..

I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the e….

Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don't give a damn..

I am constantly being asked about individuals. The only way to win is as a team. Football is not about one or two or three star players..

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing..

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate..

I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs..

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me..

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you..

There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought ….

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction..

Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have..

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away..