Occupation: Comedienne Birth: July 17, 1917 Death: August 20, 2012
I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet..
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves..
If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm..
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own si….
When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch..
Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!.
I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband..
There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake..
How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher..
When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office..
My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear..
... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year..
It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak..
Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped..
I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?'.
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered..
If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him..
I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch.".
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core..
A friend told me the longer you keep Romano cheese, the better it gets. So, I kept it three years. And this thing turned mean. Now and then I'd open ….