When you wake up one day and say, "You know what? I don't think I ever need to sleep or have sex again." Congratulations, you're ready (to have child….

I came from an Italian house. The refrigerator was always full. I never knew you had to buy food. I thought there were food fairies that came at nigh….

You might think that's an exaggeration but believe me, if you leave twin two-year-olds alone in your living room, at some point a cow will be airborn….

Flappers sounds like where waitresses go after they're too old to work at Hooters..

In a way, comedy is like sex. The more noise you hear, the better you think you're doing..

After 'Raymond,' there was this big feeling of, 'What do I do next?'.

Nothing like a little chest pain to restore your faith..

I don't want to be a spokesman for family values, but that's the way my standup is perceived..

You don't want to shock them and do something totally opposite, but you also want to play a different character..

I had a very Italian house - the "plastic furniture you couldn't sit on" house. Did anybody have the museum house? For a kid it's traumatic. Towels y….

I'm always giving myself the Alzheimer's test. My shrink told me to do this. It takes one minute. You name every word that comes to mind that begins ….

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and the….

I don't think men talk as much as women, but when we have something on our minds we'll get it out..

Whenever I get down about life going by too quickly, what helps me is a little mantra that I repeat to myself: at least I'm not a fruit fly..

My wife gets so jealous. She came home from work and was mad at me because there was a pretty girl on the bus she thought I would have liked..

I love standup and I haven't given it up..

I do what I do because I love it..

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up..

It's starting to feel good, although I don't like feeling too good - that's not where my comedy comes from..

My theory has always been that everyone in show business is there because they were deprived of some attention as a child..

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two..