I do know its important to keep the romantic spark alive in your marriage. But with four kids, sometimes it's enough just to keep yourself alive..

I like doing film, you know, single-camera..

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology..

I'll be spending the holidays with my family. Nothing special, just some light bickering and biting sarcasm..

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream..

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses..

In school, I wasn't a very good student - I was very irresponsible and never did the studying but always liked to get the laugh..

My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning..

It was very nerve-wracking for me. I had to be drunk and have a threesome. I'm not that guy. Bobby Cannavale is that guy. But it was Vegas and things….

I came from an Italian house. The refrigerator was always full. I never knew you had to buy food. I thought there were food fairies that came at nigh….

Nothing like a little chest pain to restore your faith..

I love hitting into the rough because it gets me close to the people..

Failure-it centers me. Too much success has me thinking, All right, what's goin' on?.

I'm now unemployed. It's a weird feeling with no work, but at least there's still golf. Standup comedy is like my core, it's what I do. But I want to….

The only thing I miss from the sitcom format is that immediate gratification of when you're, if we're talking about comedy, of the live audience..

I feel like this is a dream - and I apologize for how I dressed some of you..

Each day it's like: 'How many more days am I going to feel young and vibrant? I feel young and vibrant now, but I also feel the aches and pains a lit….

When you wake up one day and say, "You know what? I don't think I ever need to sleep or have sex again." Congratulations, you're ready (to have child….

If golf wasn't enjoyable and there wasn't a lot of humor and enjoyment, even though the game is so frustrating, you would wonder why you put yourself….

If I have sex, I know my quarterly estimated taxes must be due. And if it's oral sex, I know it's time to renew my driver's license..

Well, I'm a 14 handicap. Anyone who golfs knows what that means..