I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof..

Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave..

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster..

Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it..

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend..

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies..

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm..

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody..

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled th….

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all..

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness..

She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size)..

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly m….

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a….

I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother..

[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if thing….

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something..

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year..

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!.

You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving..