I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!.

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly m….

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother..

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself..

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying..

She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker..

Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act..

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody..

Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!.

People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon ..

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant..

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction..

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got….

Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion..

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!.

It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you..

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars..

Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it..

What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away..

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial..

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me..