My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud..

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am..

My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday..

If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer..

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo..

Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution..

I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me..

Comedy is a camouflage for depression..

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff..

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles.

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude..

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them..

It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom..

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out"..

With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach..

They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?.

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round..

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian..

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank..

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper..