One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness..

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put….

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me..

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap..

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all..

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat..

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm..

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing..

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'.

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no..

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing..

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio..

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much..

To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride..

I was a poster child... for birth control!.

I don't get no respect, no respect at all!.

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight..

I went to a massage parlor, it was self service..

I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern pe….

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear..