Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'.

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window..

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof..

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair..

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all..

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He….

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window..

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know..

Life's a short trip. You'll find out..

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her..

My mother had morning sickness after I was born..

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat..

She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size)..

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend..

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking ….

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster..

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something..

My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies..

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies..

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap..

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat..