I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her..

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself lau….

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!.

Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave..

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed..

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get..

[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if thing….

We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again..

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled th….

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand..

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house..

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport..

I can't get no respect..

I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother..

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a….

After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but ….

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I te….

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year..

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!.

You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving..