Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it..

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies..

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped..

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night..

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself..

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!.

I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires..

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's..

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot..

My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher..

A hooker once told me she had a headache..

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer.".

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say….

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away..

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone..

I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminu….

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!.

It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald..

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind..

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe..