My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch..

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other..

I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex..

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror..

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself..

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two..

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall..

my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place..

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most like….

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out..

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!.

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity..

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel..

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights..

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass..

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it..

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people..

They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home..

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms..