There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows..

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave..

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was..

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's..

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the gu….

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead..

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely..

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer..

I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store..

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin..

My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks..

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest..

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight..

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it..

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw..

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark..

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me..

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it..

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark..

Hey, did somebody step on a duck?.

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities..