I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face..

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push..

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up..

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs..

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money..

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it..

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back..

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or y….

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next t….

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right..

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie..

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price..

In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop..

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck..

My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only….

She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize..

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me..

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped ….

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself..

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt….