I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough"..

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong..

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders..

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me..

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table..

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare..

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees..

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years..

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers..

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel..

When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was abo….

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she go….

My wife gives good headache..

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind..

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home..

I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!.

Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury..

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator..

People seldom live up to their baby pictures..