Hey, did somebody step on a duck?.

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities..

I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?.

At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette..

I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to m….

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved..

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks..

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me..

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy..

My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!.

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit.

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage..

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two..

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive..

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out..

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you.".

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together..

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids..

When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment..

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met..

I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to h….