School is a place were you go to eat your lunch.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water..

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes..

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already..

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms..

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me..

Life is just a bowl of pits..

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!.

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens..

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend..

I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate..

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife..

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep ….

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!.

I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education..

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door..

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida..

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!.

I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'.

I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide..