My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is ….

We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I h….

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section..

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now.".

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with..

When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people….

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks..

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'.

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock..

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me..