My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear..

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!.

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man..

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history..

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble..

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it"..

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer..

When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me..

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough..

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where….

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'.

My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill..

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to..

You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred..

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up..

What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food..

I have three kids, one of each..

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet..

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!".

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves..

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!.