Quotes on Funny

I was looking in the mirror the other day and I realized I haven't changed much since I was in my twenties. The only difference is I look a whole lot older now.

An apology for the devil: it must be remembered that we have heard one side of the case. God has written all the books.

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!

I didn't know if I could be funny on stage or write a joke. But I saw that there are no rules. If you're funny offstage, you can figure out a way to be funny onstage.

If my books had been any worse, I should not have been invited to Hollywood, and if they had been any better, I should not have come.

Only the shallow know themselves.

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'

The universe is not only queerer than we suppose; it is queerer than we can suppose

It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.

For truth is always strange; stranger than fiction.

We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love.

Is man one of God's blunders? Or is God one of man's blunders?

My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

It is often said that before you die your life passes before your eyes. It is in fact true. It's called living.

The universe we observe has precisely the properties we should expect if there is, at bottom, no design, no purpose, no evil, no good, nothing but blind, pitiless indifference.

Middle-age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.