It was a typically British birth... I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward... I came out in sympathy..
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it..
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one..
Look how often the unexpected happens - yet we still never expect it..
Forgive me now - tomorrow I may no longer feel guilty..
One possible reason that I don't believe in fate is that I wasn't fated to..
This is possibly the most shameful situation I've ever gotten myself in in my life, and I've done some pretty dumb things in my life. So to actually ….
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead..
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a….
At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other..
Those jeans are comfortable, and for those of you who want your president to look great in his tight jeans, I'm sorry I'm not the guy. It just doesn'….
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her..
When your about to criticize someone walk a mile in thier shoes, that way when you criticize them you're a mile away from them and you have their sho….
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem..
When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled th….
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.
People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to..
Pretty sad. Pretty lonely. But that's how I prefer it? I quess? I guess. It's a good guess. It's the best quess ever..
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?.
When a subject becomes totally obsolete we make it a required course..