Quotes on Humor

The sad thing about artificial intelligence is that it lacks artifice and therefore intelligence.

He was of the faith chiefly in the sense that the church he currently did not attend was Catholic.

My good intentions are completely lethal.

Fortune, seeing that she could not make fools wise, has made them lucky.

One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is of you when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' 'You son of bit, how'd you pull that off Let me see that camera. What's it look like'

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.

The common argument that crime is caused by poverty is a kind of slander on the poor.

A beautiful vacuum filled with wealthy monogamists, all powerful and members of the best families all drinking themselves to death.

NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.

Diligence is a good thing, but taking things easy is much more restful.

You are not angry with people when you laugh at them. Humor teaches tolerance.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

When your hobbies get in the way of your work - that's OK; but when your hobbies get in the way of themselves... well.

The real joy is in constructing a sentence. But I see myself as an actor first because writing is what you do when you are ready and acting is what you do when someone else is ready.

Nothing is more apt to deceive us than our own judgment of our work. We derive more benefit from having our faults pointed out by our enemies than from hearing the opinions of friends.

The two real political parties in America are the Winners and the Losers. The people don't acknowledge this. They claim membership in two imaginary parties, the Republicans and the Democrats, instead.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.