Quotes on Humor

If you desire to drain to the dregs the fullest cup of scorn and hatred that a fellow human being can pour out for you, let a young mother hear you call dear baby 'it.'

What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country.

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.

Women are like teabags. We don't know our true strength until we are in hot water!

Ridicule is generally made use of to laugh men out of virtue and good sense, by attacking everything praiseworthy in human life.

Don't talk to me." "Why not?" "Because I want to fix that in my memory for ever. Draco Malfoy, the amazing bouncing ferret.

That's what kept us going - a sense of absurdity, rather than humor.

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.

It never seems to occur to some people, that, like beauty, a sense of humor may sometimes be fatal.

I have come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, and for this reason, I can never be satisfied with anyone who would be blockhead enough to have me.

So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of all money?

Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Those who attain any excellence, commonly spend life in one pursuit; for excellence is not often gained upon easier terms.

Humor and laughter - not necessarily derogatory derision - are my pet tools. This may come from my general philosophy of never taking the world too seriously - for fear of dying of boredom.

An apology for the devil: it must be remembered that we have heard one side of the case. God has written all the books.

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!