Quotes on Humor

The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'

I have great faith in fools,— self-confidence my friends will call it.

My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.

The Devil fears the word of God, He can't bite it; it breaks his teeth.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

I find that people find a way out of misery through humor and it's humor that's often unacceptable to people who are not in quite such a state of misery.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

We have no more right to consume happiness without producing it than to consume wealth without producing it.

I have heard it said that a complicated childhood can lead to a life in the arts. I tell you this story of my father and me to let you know I am qualified to be a comedian.

Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's 5:00 in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time."

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

There is more to life than increasing its speed.

I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

Think of fear as a 2-year-old child who doesn't want to go grocery shopping with you. Because you must buy groceries, you'll just have to take the two year old with you. Fear is no different. In other words, acknowledge that fear exists but don't let it keep you from doing important tasks.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and it holds the world together.

Run for your life from any man who tells you that money is evil. That sentence is the leper's bell of an approaching looter.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.