I used to always work in, like, warehouses, because if my boss gave me a rough time, I could just get on a forklift and just, like, drive away from h….

Patrice O'Neal is the best comic I ever saw..

I love my dog. I hate bankers. I have issues with women. In my head, I’m a great guy..

The only time I get sick of making people laugh is when I'm in a non-writing-joke mode, and I just can't seem to come up with anything new that's fun….

What would you rather be? 52 and look 52, or 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard?.

Think about the amount of crap the US has done! Between slavery and the genocide of the Native Americans - if any of that had been filmed like [Adolf….

I bet The Walking Dead gets really low ratings out in Montana, just because all they need to do is look out their f-king window, am I right?.

I'm not going to lie. I am a psycho. Luckily, I get most of it out on stage..

[Nazi] copied stuff from us for their "final solution" but we get to walk around like we're the good guys..

Turn inward and say to yourself "I'm just gonna do it". That mindset got me to where I am now. I look at the industry like it's a giant mall, and I h….

You're a kid, your whole life is awesome. It's awesome, right? You had no money, no ID, no cell phone, no nothing, no keys to the house. You just ran….

You know why men make more money than women? Because, in the unlikely event that we're both on the Titanic and it starts to sink, for some reason, yo….

I don't think people know what hygienist means..

I think it's a privilege to be able to fly to somewhere where people want to see my show..

It's just if one person says anything it becomes click bait and then they start talking about the comedy climate which is hilarious, so no. You know ….

Let's go to Brunch. What a great idea! Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs? Now, you're thinking..

I wish they would teach it in schools: Give people the belief that they are going to do well. A lot of people are really talented and scared to follo….

Being a comedian is an incredible thing, but it can be scary sometimes..

I can tell you why I like different countries. Ireland - some of the funniest heckles I've ever gotten. And the last time I did England I did Bristol….

I don't feel like it's a wasted vote because I think it encourages more people like that to run. I vote for the candidates that aren't bought and pai….

As much as Metallica rocked, they always had these song names... 'The Thing That Shouldn't Be'. 'The Chair That Wasn't There', you know?.