My neighbor's not even listening to me. He's all excited about some garden hose he bought at Brookstone. He's convinced it was designed by NASA. "Act….

You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, like, 'You know what? We don't think you're smart enough for an office, but we don't want ….

There's no "brothers" when it comes to white people. We are just complete individuals. We don't care about each other. He's not my brother; my brothe….

I heard a quote once in a documentary about a band that said you're better off owning everything 100 percent and selling 20,000 copies of an album th….

I couldn't trash [Adolf] Hitler enough. Poor bastards, they make all these contributions to the automotive industry, aeronautics, space - but you pic….

I don't mind it. I just space it out. Every other week I go out. I used to get some time to myself but I've been pretty busy lately. But I've had it ….

I'm always looking at new ways to tell a joke so that it doesn't get stale while working on new jokes every night or I would go absolutely crazy and ….

I was painfully shy when I was younger but at some point you've gotta grow up. I think the genius in the man-boy thing is you tap into a woman's moth….

A lot of my fears and anxieties are the fears and anxieties of a six-year-old boy. When I finally confront them, they're really small..

Ric Flair is the greatest guy ever. He just wants to hang out, have a beer, and tell stories. He's the coolest. I've never met The Rock though..

If you're away from your house for a month, by the time you come back there's someone else living in it..

Gold diggers are the wife beaters of men!.

I never wanted to spend a month away from my life. One time I was out on the road for three weeks in a row and I when I came back someone had broken ….

Ric Flair was so big I heard about him. I've read his autobiography and all that. He's huge..

Stand up comedy is this thing you get to do, so you have to treat it with respect. You can't just be like, 'Alright, I got my hour down, people are c….

Acting in a sitcom or a comedy movie is like a comedy routine with the setups..

I don't mind either one [crowd that is more willing to interact or crowd that's more ready to just watch]. Both of them are forms of listening to wha….

I cannot believe that [Donald Trump] is actually in the debates..

It's a great time to be a comedian because you've got so much more control. You can say what you want to. I think in the old days with the studio sys….

I do my podcast on Mondays for a specific reason. A lot of people go to work and don't like their jobs. If you give people something to laugh about, ….

For aspiring comedians? Don't listen to me. Just go on stage and do what you think is funny..