You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don't want to see the dog doing them..

Children today know more about sex than I or my father did..

A Hoyo de Monterrey double corona is my favourite Cuban since Desi Arnaz..

The serve was invented so that the net could play..

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries..

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry..

What best defines a child is the total inability to receive information from anything not plugged in..

Emotionally, a person can become so negatively driven that they don't respect the privilege of being on this Earth without their mother and their fat….

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much..

If you have a question about anything, the answer can be found in a book somewhere in the library..

My grandpa didn't believe in hugging and kissing, or saying I love you. His love had to do with the way he treated you. When he said, We're going her….

Pay off your student loan. Even if you don't have a job...Because when you finally get a job you're going to be one of us..

College was a wonderful time - except, of course, when it was trying to teach you things..

If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation ha….

You'll have many, many friends, but if your relationship with your mate is one hundred per cent of your heart, you'll never need a friend..

Zip zop wop boopity bop..

I know people are tired of me not saying anything, but a guy doesn't have to answer to innuendos..

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home..

Nobody ever says, "Can I have your beets?.

Fatherhood is telling your daughter that Michael Jackson loves all his fans, but has special feelings for the ones who eat broccoli..

You also notice that the right side of your face feels like it's sliding off of your skull. And your bottom lip is in your lap!.