I'm on the mirror diet. You eat all your food in front of a mirror in the nude. It works pretty good, though some of the fancier restaurants don't go….

A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap t….

I always was a writer, but then I wanted to do stand-up because I thought that was a way that I could perform what I wrote..

I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house..

I have horrible stage fright - you know how you go through the bi-polar stage fright thing? Then you go on drugs to get over the stage fright and per….

I had left home (like all Jewish girls) in order to eat pork and take birth control pills. When I first shared an intimate evening with my husband, I….

Judaism is one of the last of the world's matrilineal philosophies. Matriarchies are always the cultures that patriarchy attacks and decimates, becau….

I thank God for creating gay men. Because if it wasn't for them, us fat women would have no one to dance with..

I will outlaw bullshit. After the passage of this law the patriarchy will inevitably start to crumble as will the concept of war itself which is larg….

Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor..

I am a woman, therefore I am a problem solver..

There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect..

I always had a dissociative disorder. But I healed from it over the course of 14 years of big-time therapy. But, you know, I mean, everybody's kind o….

Once you get away from wanting to get paid, you can actually say some true things..

My children love me. I'm like the mother they never had..

Everyone in America (according to my generalizations) is a potential millionaire waiting for his or her big break. I was astonished lately to realize….

Eating cookies that you bake with your grandmother is one of the greatest social steps one must experience in order to grow up into a decent world ci….

My real life is funnier than anything on TV..

My husband says, 'God, Roseanne, I can't remember the last time we had sex.' Well, I can, and that is why we ain't doing it..

I loved comedy all my life. I think it's a real powerful art form..

I avoided reality for most of my life. But once you deal with it, it's kind of cool..