My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over ….

Impeach the President and the Vice President, they are traitors to America, and so are all of their supporters. Impeach! Anyone in congress who refus….

When I used to watch comedians with my dad, he laid it all out for me. He wanted to be a comedian himself, and he was so funny. We'd watch stand-up o….

Women are cursed, and men are the proof..

In the new world every position of power evacuated by an arrested and beheaded pedophile or bankster will be filled with a grandmother who has pledge….

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'l….

Suddenly, people had three phone numbers but never answered their phones..

I have great parents, and they both taught me great things, but my formative years were boundaryless..

When I was three, I fell and I got Bell's palsy in my face. My mom said the first day she called the rabbi, and he said a prayer for me but nothing h….

I loved work and I loved pouring myself into the work, you know. It was the real life that I had trouble with..

Diets are a temporary solution to a permanent problem..

Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce..

Humanity is a failed experiment, but I think I'm God and I'd like to start over. I don't want to die, I just want everyone else to. I certainly would….

Being hated and hunted and blamed for your own suffering makes people kind of testy, nervous, and on edge, and often fundamentalist and extreme. Bomb….

There's nothing like a hardship song to set my toes a-tappin..

Honestly, a lot of the human etiquette I learned in life I learned from, like, thank-you notes and dating Jimmy Kimmel..

You must never be afraid in New York City, because then you will call bad stuff to you and you will not like it there..

They've said 'Roseanne's nuts' for years, and now I'm going to make that a reality - I'm all about nuts now, macadamia nuts!.

The only options open for girls then were of course mother, secretary or teacher. At least that's what we all thought and were preparing ourselves fo….

You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps..

The real truth is, I just want to keep the voice of dissent alive in all of our elections. I don't really want to hang out with politicians..