Communication is a continual balancing act, juggling the conflicting needs for intimacy and independence. To survive in the world, we have to act in concert with others, but to survive as ourselves, rather than simply as cogs in a wheel, we have to act alone.
Interpretation
Effective communication requires balancing personal independence with the need for connection with others.
In this quote, Deborah Tannen highlights the intricate nature of communication, emphasizing the tension between our desires for personal intimacy and the need for independence. She suggests that while we must collaborate and connect with others in society, it is equally important to maintain our individuality and personal identity; finding this balance is essential for healthy relationships and personal survival in the world.
In practice
In a relationship seminar, this quote can be used to discuss the importance of balancing individual needs with those of a partner.
Women as mothers grapple with corresponding contradictions. The adoration they feel for their grown daughters, mixed with the sense of responsibility for their well-being, can be overwhelming, matched only by the hurt they feel when their attempts to help or just stay connected are rebuffed or even excoriated as criticism or devilish interference.
Sister relationships span a huge range, from best friends to worst enemies. From 'I adore her; I talk to her five times a day' to 'I decided to cut her out of my life.' For most women, it's in between.
The trickiest thing about the double bind is that it operates imperceptibly, like shots from a gun with a silencer.
For most women, the language of conversation is primarily a language of rapport: a way of establishing connections and negotiating relationships.
Mothers and daughters find in each other the source of great comfort but also of great pain. We talk to each other in better and worse ways than we talk to anyone else.
Our spirits are corroded by living in an atmosphere of unrelenting contention - an argument culture.
Just to be clear, Ray Rice was not fired for beating his wife. He was fired because a video of him beating his wife was released.
[T]he "home" represents the most precious human treasures, that of encounter, that of relations among people, different in age, culture and history, but who live together and together help one another to grow. For this reason, the "home" is a crucial place in life, where life grows and can be fulfilled, because it is a place in which every person learns to receive love and to give love.
When a marriage founders, this may well be cause for tremendous sadness, but it's not a failure of spirit or character. People change, their goals and dreams alter, their ideas of themselves grow, or they just meet someone they like better.
The difficult task of knowing another soul is not for young gentlemen whose consciousness is chiefly made up of their own wishes.
Changing laws and changing the political dialogue, while necessary, is insufficient to ensure that bullying stops; to ensure that every young person is supported by their parents and their teachers as they question who they are and they discover who they are regardless of the sexuality.
The act of forgiveness takes place in our own mind. It really has nothing to do with the other person.
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