Communication is a continual balancing act, juggling the conflicting needs for intimacy and independence. To survive in the world, we have to act in concert with others, but to survive as ourselves, rather than simply as cogs in a wheel, we have to act alone.
Interpretation
Effective communication requires balancing personal independence with the need for connection with others.
In this quote, Deborah Tannen highlights the intricate nature of communication, emphasizing the tension between our desires for personal intimacy and the need for independence. She suggests that while we must collaborate and connect with others in society, it is equally important to maintain our individuality and personal identity; finding this balance is essential for healthy relationships and personal survival in the world.
In practice
In a relationship seminar, this quote can be used to discuss the importance of balancing individual needs with those of a partner.
Women as mothers grapple with corresponding contradictions. The adoration they feel for their grown daughters, mixed with the sense of responsibility for their well-being, can be overwhelming, matched only by the hurt they feel when their attempts to help or just stay connected are rebuffed or even excoriated as criticism or devilish interference.
Sister relationships span a huge range, from best friends to worst enemies. From 'I adore her; I talk to her five times a day' to 'I decided to cut her out of my life.' For most women, it's in between.
The trickiest thing about the double bind is that it operates imperceptibly, like shots from a gun with a silencer.
For most women, the language of conversation is primarily a language of rapport: a way of establishing connections and negotiating relationships.
Mothers and daughters find in each other the source of great comfort but also of great pain. We talk to each other in better and worse ways than we talk to anyone else.
Our spirits are corroded by living in an atmosphere of unrelenting contention - an argument culture.
He wants to put his story next to hers.
Women themselves are so happy, and so beautiful, when they're strong, that they naturally choose powerful men, even if that power's so enermous there's a real risk it could shatter them.
Women are the only oppressed group in our society that lives in intimate association with their opressors.
To communicate is our chief business; society and friendship our chief delights; and reading, not to acquire knowledge, not to earn a living, but to extend our intercourse beyond our own time and province.
My dear fellow, the truth isn’t quite the sort of thing one tells to a nice, sweet, refined girl. What extraordinary ideas you have about the way to behave to a woman!
The human heart dares not stay away too long from that which hurt it most. There is a return journey to anguish that few of us are released from making.
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