Communication is a continual balancing act, juggling the conflicting needs for intimacy and independence. To survive in the world, we have to act in concert with others, but to survive as ourselves, rather than simply as cogs in a wheel, we have to act alone.
Interpretation
Effective communication requires balancing personal independence with the need for connection with others.
In this quote, Deborah Tannen highlights the intricate nature of communication, emphasizing the tension between our desires for personal intimacy and the need for independence. She suggests that while we must collaborate and connect with others in society, it is equally important to maintain our individuality and personal identity; finding this balance is essential for healthy relationships and personal survival in the world.
In practice
In a relationship seminar, this quote can be used to discuss the importance of balancing individual needs with those of a partner.
Women as mothers grapple with corresponding contradictions. The adoration they feel for their grown daughters, mixed with the sense of responsibility for their well-being, can be overwhelming, matched only by the hurt they feel when their attempts to help or just stay connected are rebuffed or even excoriated as criticism or devilish interference.
Sister relationships span a huge range, from best friends to worst enemies. From 'I adore her; I talk to her five times a day' to 'I decided to cut her out of my life.' For most women, it's in between.
The trickiest thing about the double bind is that it operates imperceptibly, like shots from a gun with a silencer.
For most women, the language of conversation is primarily a language of rapport: a way of establishing connections and negotiating relationships.
Mothers and daughters find in each other the source of great comfort but also of great pain. We talk to each other in better and worse ways than we talk to anyone else.
Our spirits are corroded by living in an atmosphere of unrelenting contention - an argument culture.
She was nothing but good and I was nothing but bad, but then she died, and I didn't.
As for loving woman, I have never understood why some people had a fit. I still don't. It seems fine to me. If an individual is productive responsible, and energetic, why should her choice in a partner make such a fuss? The government is only too happy to take my tax money and yet they uphold legislation that keeps me a second class citizen. Surely, there should be a tax break for those of us who are robbed of full and equal participation and protection in the life of our nation.
Man wanted a home, a place for warmth, or comfort, first of physical warmth, then the warmth of the affections.
... I didn't know whether to feel angry at her for making me part of her suicide or just to feel angry at myself for letting her go.
Empathy is the capacity to think and feel oneself into the inner life of another person.
Elizabeth had never been more at a loss to make her feelings appear what they were not. It was necessary to laugh, when she would rather have cried.
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