There are three kinds of yeses. There's commitment, confirmation, and counterfeit. People are most used to giving the counterfeit yes because they've been trapped by the confirmation yes so many times. So the way you master no is understanding what really happens when somebody says 'no.' When yes is commitment, no is protection.
Interpretation
The quote emphasizes the importance of understanding the different types of agreements and the value of saying 'no' as a form of self-protection.
Christopher Voss highlights the complexities of verbal agreements by categorizing 'yes' into three types: commitment, confirmation, and counterfeit. He notes that many people often resort to counterfeit yeses, which lack sincerity and result from social pressures or expectations. In contrast, a thoughtful 'no' can serve as a protective measure, allowing individuals to set boundaries and avoid unnecessary commitments, thus underscoring the need for clarity and honesty in communication.
In practice
In a workshop on communication skills, use this quote to illustrate the importance of clear agreements.
When you expect to get into a negotiation, you expect to be faced by a guy that's going to attack you, a guy or gal that's going to attack or that they're going to try to get the best of you. Two-thirds of us, that makes us very defensive.
Price doesn't make deals, and salary doesn't control your career.
The sweetest two words in any negotiation are actually, 'That's right.' Before you convince them to see what you're trying to accomplish, you have to say the things to them that will get them to say, 'That's right.'
The secret to gaining the upper hand in a negotiation is to give the other side the illusion of control. Don't try to force your opponent to admit that you are right. Ask questions, that begin with 'How?' or 'What?' so your opponent uses mental energy to figure out the answer.
Very few negotiations are begun and concluded in the same sitting. It's really rare. In fact, If you sit down and actually complete your negotiation in one sitting, you left stuff on the table.
The most dangerous negotiation is the one you don't know you're in.
What was so extraordinary to me about going through this box of my mother's letters and diaries was meeting my mother not as my mother, but as a real person. And what breaks my heart is that I had no idea how self-aware she was and how protective of me she was.
Well, I think when we can turn to the person sitting next to us and really see them with kindness and see ourselves reflected back - when there's some dignity and compassion traveling back and forth.
Empathy has the power to bring together people who would otherwise never meet. It has the power to teach us and to reach us in moments of isolation when we think nobody understands.
Most of us make up our minds in the first three minutes of meeting someone whether there's a potential for a relationship.
A person isn't who they are during the last conversation you had with them - they're who they've been throughout your whole relationship.
The spirit of the marriage left the bedroom and took to living in the parlor.
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