There are three kinds of yeses. There's commitment, confirmation, and counterfeit. People are most used to giving the counterfeit yes because they've been trapped by the confirmation yes so many times. So the way you master no is understanding what really happens when somebody says 'no.' When yes is commitment, no is protection.
Interpretation
The quote emphasizes the importance of understanding the different types of agreements and the value of saying 'no' as a form of self-protection.
Christopher Voss highlights the complexities of verbal agreements by categorizing 'yes' into three types: commitment, confirmation, and counterfeit. He notes that many people often resort to counterfeit yeses, which lack sincerity and result from social pressures or expectations. In contrast, a thoughtful 'no' can serve as a protective measure, allowing individuals to set boundaries and avoid unnecessary commitments, thus underscoring the need for clarity and honesty in communication.
In practice
In a workshop on communication skills, use this quote to illustrate the importance of clear agreements.
When you expect to get into a negotiation, you expect to be faced by a guy that's going to attack you, a guy or gal that's going to attack or that they're going to try to get the best of you. Two-thirds of us, that makes us very defensive.
Price doesn't make deals, and salary doesn't control your career.
The sweetest two words in any negotiation are actually, 'That's right.' Before you convince them to see what you're trying to accomplish, you have to say the things to them that will get them to say, 'That's right.'
The secret to gaining the upper hand in a negotiation is to give the other side the illusion of control. Don't try to force your opponent to admit that you are right. Ask questions, that begin with 'How?' or 'What?' so your opponent uses mental energy to figure out the answer.
Very few negotiations are begun and concluded in the same sitting. It's really rare. In fact, If you sit down and actually complete your negotiation in one sitting, you left stuff on the table.
The most dangerous negotiation is the one you don't know you're in.
Wherever you find a great man, you will find a great mother or a great wife standing behind him -- or so they used to say. It would be interesting to know how many great women have had great fathers and husbands behind them.
You know, I'm gay and I grew up being aware of that at a very early age, in a fairly repressed family.
If you want to understand your parents more, get them to talk about their own childhood; and if you listen with compassion, you will learn where their fears and rigid patterns come from. Those people who 'did all that stuff to you' were just as frightened and scared as you are.
Intimacy blossoms anytime you let down your socially acceptable mask.
Unconsciously, perhaps, we treasure the power we have over people by their regard for our opinion of them, and we hate those upon whom we have no such influence.
My mom asked me one day at lunch in a very lovely and respectful way. I was finally comfortable enough to say yes, I was gay, and it really was never talked about again.
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