I had never been to second base..

How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it..

If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you..

Throughout the history of commercial life nobody has ever quite liked the commission man. His function is too vague, his presence always seems one to….

I guess you heard about this; the U.S. Olympic Committee is coming under fire after it was revealed that the uniforms for Team USA to be worn in the ….

Just a reminder - a guidebook is no substitute for skill, experience, judgment and lots of tension..

Every time we had a raid, I'd get a boyfriend out of it..

A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle..

Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you're read….

One day I may be meeting you and hearing how you've changed your life by saying, "Farewell to Fat"..

[In Moscow] we got through to [Soviet leaders] Brezhnev and Kosygin on the telephone. I think it was because nobody had ever tried to call them at ho….

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh..

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun..

Pol Pot - he rounded up anybody he thought was intellectual and had them executed. And how he told someone was intellectual or not was whether they w….

I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. I said, "What happened?" He goes: "Well, I guess I, uh... I guess I said someth….

You can't be truly rude until you understand good manners..

Thomas Jefferson once said. He said , "We should never judge a President by his age, only by his works." And ever since he told me that, I've stopped….

The only job worse is a javelin catcher at a track - and - field meet..

A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to Heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there..

Mothers are the most instinctive philosophers..