I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap..

Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other..

Opinions are like nipples, everybody has one. Some have firm points, others are barely discernible through layers, and some are displayed at every op….

Sexual intercourse is a grossly overrated pastime; the position is undignified, the pleasure momentary and the consequences damnable..

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel..

Fitness - if it came in a bottle, everybody would have a great body..

Their elegant shape, showy colors, and slow, sailing mode of flight, make them very attractive objects, and their numbers are so great that they form….

If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I b….

I add a smile to everything I wear and that has worked great for me..

Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away..

I would have taught her a les­son she wouldn't forget!.

Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed ... into my mouth..

That's the old ecological tale that explains humans' inability to fully appreciate global warming. To wit: if you drop a frog in a pan of hot water, ….

Father told me that if I ever met a lady in a dress like yours, I must look her straight in the eyes..

Young people are the same as they always were. They are just as ignorant..

The man who invented the red carpet needed his head examined..

Ethical dilemmas have a way of sneaking up on a person. If something smells funny, stay away from it. Or help get rid of it..

Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say "Thank you." That's now escalated into "You ca….

Life is just a bowl of pits..

In the majority of cases, conscience is an elastic and very flexible article.