Big sisters are the crab grass in the lawn of life..

A day wasted on others is not wasted on one's self..

All happy families resemble one another, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way..

John Connally's conversion to the GOP raised the intellectual level of both parties..

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years..

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank..

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax..

Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them..

I have always been very fond of them (drama critics) . . . I think it is so frightfully clever of them to go night after night to the theatre and kno….

Women give us solace, but if it were not for women we should never need solace..

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness..

Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in..

The judge is found guilty when a criminal is acquitted..

I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap..

Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other..

Opinions are like nipples, everybody has one. Some have firm points, others are barely discernible through layers, and some are displayed at every op….

Sexual intercourse is a grossly overrated pastime; the position is undignified, the pleasure momentary and the consequences damnable..

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel..

Fitness - if it came in a bottle, everybody would have a great body..

Their elegant shape, showy colors, and slow, sailing mode of flight, make them very attractive objects, and their numbers are so great that they form….