I can prove anything by statistics except the truth..

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick..

I'm not an actor. I can show up for friends and improvise a little bit, but I'm not an actor..

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fu….

And there's no "I love you" message because Steve Ovett has married the girl.

If we were truly created by God, why do we occasionally bite the insides of our mouths?.

I think the English are bipolar. 'We're the greatest, no we're terrible' - that's a constant English struggle. Crime is down, there's little poverty ….

Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight..

I didn't not perform..

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?.

I’ve long advised that bloggers seeking to make money from blogging spread their interests across multiple revenue streams so as not to put all their….

I've always enjoyed making people laugh. But in order for me to be funny, I have to get ticked off about something..

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head..

Nothing is 'just' anything with you.

On getting mugged: I carry around months and months of receipts. I need a mugger who can file my VAT returns..

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat..

Nations have come under the control of haters and fools..

...it's just as bad to live in a place where what you do see isn't there as it is to live in one where what you don't see is..

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch..

I'm an appalling cook. I can just about create a glass of orange juice and a ham-and-cheese sandwich..

Life is a blank canvas, and you need to throw all the paint on it you can..