I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies….
When I was 40, my doctor advised me that a man in his 40s shouldn't play tennis. I heeded his advice carefully and could hardly wait until I reached ….
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing..
Walt is dead. And, after a couple of hours at Epcot, you'll wish you were, too..
You can put lipstick on a pig. It's still a pig..
Fermentation may have been a better invention than fire..
When men are pure, laws are useless; when men are corrupt, laws are broken..
Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous ….
You could be adding gasoline to a roaring fire. We understand that. But this is who we are..
Hockey players wear numbers because you can't always identify the body with dental records..
You can talk any redneck into a challenge. That’s why so many rednecks die in strange ways..
Black people have slavery. And white people have our own thing-stuff we went though that hurt us that we have to cope with. Like when they took our s….
Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four..
Some people underestimate how erotic it is to be understood..
As you were, I was. As I am, you will be..
A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches - two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them..
Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them..
Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for love, and then for a few close friends, and then for money..
I am cursed with a right leg that arouses the desire of any male dog that happens to be passing. I used to think that this only happened to me but I'….
In New York we have streets exploding and innocent Buddhist girls being stabbed in the neck and cabdrivers refusing to help her. If we happen into a ….
Laughter would be bereaved if snobbery died..