A father is a man who expects his son to be as good a man as he meant to be..

If you are going to sin, sin against God, not the bureaucracy. God will forgive you but the bureaucracy won't..

If you fake the funk, your nose will grow..

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree..

The internet is a great way to get on the net..

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!.

Now, the band that inspired that great saying, "Stop The Music!!".

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport..

It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours..

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number..

A fart is just your arse applauding..

Dear dad, you always told me that an honest man has nothing to fear, so I'm trying my best not to be afraid..

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops..

In Washington journalists can afford to live almost as well as people who work for a living..

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spast….

I'm a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch..

I do not believe in using women in combat, because females are too fierce..

When you're a father you censor yourself. You get just as angry with a child but you don't want to say, "What the filth and foul and I'll filth and f….

When life gets you down, make a comforter!.

This is the most elaborate and luxurious method of convincing others that you can cook. Take everybody out on your yacht until they're green in the f….

If we are strong, and have faith in life and its richness of surprises, and hold the rudder steadily in our hands. I am sure we will sail into quiet ….