There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it..

I don't pull, I just receive..

I watch things that are fun, or funny, or interesting..

I only do one thing at a time; otherwise, I get confused and then I can't trick you..

People in my family and camp who grew up listening to rap music love 'We Are Young.' I've heard it play at weddings. I've heard it in graduation part….

Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent..

I saw 28 Days. I don't remember rehab being like a day camp or being that funny. Rehab is a dumping ground. It's a big landfill..

Some folks can look so busy doing nothing that they seem indispensable..

He was of the faith chiefly in the sense that the church he currently did not attend was Catholic..

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half-empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth..

On a crowded bus in Israel, a mother was speaking to her son in Yiddish. An Israeli woman reprimanded her. "You should be speaking Hebrew. Why are yo….

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket..

If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on a vacation..

Why can't a woman be more like a dog, huh? So sweet, loving, attentive..

Hollywood's a very weird place. I think there's less of everything except for attitude..

"Hail to the Chief" was played, and the President got up and made a gracious opening remark. "I've been in this office for six years, and yet every t….

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit..

Being seventy has its advantages. I was outspoken before, but now what have I got to keep quiet about?.

Nothing dispels enthusiasm like a small admission fee..

The worst feature of a new baby is its mother's singing..

Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache..