I'm saving my sick days for when I'm feeling better..

Remind me," he paused, drawing in a stuttered gasp, "to never piss you off again. Christ, are you secretly a ninja?.

I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference o….

If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers..

Some blogs have become the best check on monopoly mainstream journalism, and they provide a surprisingly frequent source of initiative reporting..

I use filming as an excuse to take classes. I got my certification in sailing for 'Wedding Crashers,' and now I can handle a 26-foot boat. I played a….

Life is a sexually transmitted disease..

Never put a sock in a toaster..

Do they give Pulitzers for tweets yet?.

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair..

Bores can be divided into two classes; those who have their own particular subject, and those who do not need a subject..

I wish his music came out of the closet and admit that it sucks..

When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands..

The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so they believe they are clever as he..

Physically I'm not as strong as I was, but I try to make up for it mentally. It's a big challenge, and I relish it, competing with guys half my age..

I'm hunting for little Mexican girls..

Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain? I don't know if I'm in charge of mine..

We are living in 1937, and our universities, I suggest, are not half-way out of the fifteenth century. We have made hardly any changes in our concept….

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow..

I suspect the soviets never did want to use those bombs. The most Stalinist of Soviet hard-liners - Stalin, for example - must have realized a nuclea….

East Germany was so total in its totalitarianism that everything was banned which wasn't compulsory..