You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!.

I've always figured that if God wanted us to go to church a lot He'd have given us bigger behinds to sit on and smaller heads to think with..

Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible..

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes..

My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my sh….

We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast..

The cannon thunders... limbs fly in all directions... one can hear the groans of victims and the howling of those performing the sacrifice... it's Hu….

I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so so….

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker..

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of poin….

The trouble with children is that they're not returnable..

If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed..

I don't think I'll ever meet the perfect woman. I might have to get me one of them mail order women. You can do that: you send away to the Philippine….

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back..

One day in the shower, you figure it out. It's a special day in a man's life. I was like, 'Oh, I found me a hobby.'.

There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I'm a Catholic, and she's the devil..

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals..

My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, 'Adam - uh, don't kiss guys.'.

People come back from flights and tell you a story like it's a horror story. That's how bad they make it sound. They're like, 'It was the worst day o….

I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light….

You gotta fight. You gotta get out the negative energy. Don't let it build up. You end up screaming at each other over something totally stupid, like….