I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind..

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating..

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian..

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none..

Selfish men make the best lovers. They're prepared to invest in the women's pleasures so that they can collect an even bigger dividend for themselves..

I don't know (if they were men or women running naked across the field). They had bags over their heads..

Hollywood, we decided, was a nice place to die, but we wouldn't want to live there..

It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse..

Oh, you wanna do a little bit of roleplay? Could you just play dead?.

However low a man sinks he never reaches the level of the police..

I'll sleep when I'm dead..

Son of Lady Chatterley's Lover had obvious commercial advantages (as a title for this book), but it impugned the marital status of my parents, someth….

He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome..

Nothing is like it seems, but everything is exactly like it is..

I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down….

The California cemeteries make dying sound so attractive it's a real effort to keep breathing..

People who are pro smacking children say, 'It's the only language they understand.' You could apply that to tourists..

The tongue is the only instrument that gets sharper with use..

Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pi….

On how to make the game more exciting - Eliminate the referees, raise the basket four feet, double the size of the basketball, limit the height of th….

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets..