Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their earthly pedestals..

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work..

The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity..

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and the….

Anyone who has the power to make you believe absurdities has the power to make you commit injustices..

If my books had been any worse, I should not have been invited to Hollywood, and if they had been any better, I should not have come..

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist..

There aren't any hard women, only soft men..

Parents, just keep in mind that kids will always round off to the nearest obscenity..

From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it..

There comes a moment in the day when you have written your pages in the morning, attended to your correspondence in the afternoon, and have nothing f….

I mean, I went to a Catholic boys school for a year, but that was to play hockey. Religion class was quite contentious for me..

Size does matter. There's a lot of ways to make people feel good, but personally I think it does enhance things..

When in doubt, blow something up..

There's one thing that's really great about waking up early, and it's not jogging or greeting the day - it's just that that's when they make doughnut….

I always say, keep a diary and someday it'll keep you..

I'm just not one of those naturally funny, relaxed actors who enjoy the spotlight and are so good at it..

The government is good at one thing. It knows how to break your legs, and then hand you a crutch and say, "See if it weren't for the government, you ….

"Married with Children" was racy, it was sexist, it was a lot of things, but mostly it was funny..

They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken..

Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat..