The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer..

Old age is fifteen years older than I am..

You don't run 26 miles at five minutes a mile on good looks and a secret recipe..

The Democrats said, "We don't know what's wrong with America, but we can fix it." The Republicans said, "There's nothing wrong with America, and we c….

There are two kinds of statistics, the kind you look up and the kind you make up..

Mothers are all slightly insane..

Clint Eastwood's a good friend, too - he and I used to play in softball games together..

Minds are like parachutes, they only function when they are open..

My mum, a strange creature from the time when pickles on toothpicks were still the height of sophistication..

He (The Agent) just takes ten per cent of your life..

Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats..

I graduated a the top of my class in the '84 Olympic Games; I won a gold medal..

I wanted to be funny for people who didn't care about fashion at all, to just to kind of exist as a silly character..

"Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully. "Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit's clever." "And he has Brain." "Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit has Brain." There w….

When you wake up one day and say, "You know what? I don't think I ever need to sleep or have sex again." Congratulations, you're ready (to have child….

There are only two things a child will share willingly; communicable diseases and its mother's age..

Better mad with the rest of the world than wise alone..

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!".

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of..

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn.".

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope..