Since both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remembe….

We grow neither better or worse as we get old, but more like ourselves..

Nobody can misunderstand a boy like his own mother. Mothers at present can bring children into the world, but this performance is apt to mark the end….

I've got it all in here ultra violets, flying saucers, strawberry bootlace come on get involved..

I'd like to punch out a really old lady. There'd be no repercussions..

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two..

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness"..

I've had a really weird day, some joker threw bamboo in the penguin enclosure. They all vaulted out. It was a nightmare, it took me all morning to ge….

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one..

It isn't necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It's only necessary to be rich..

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it..

No means yes in grasshopper language..

People are wrong when they say opera is not what it used to be. It is what it used to be. That is what's wrong with it..

If I had my hand full of truth, I would take good care how I opened it..

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anyt….

Science teachers and the mentally ill, that's all Jazz is for..

I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust..

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!".

Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.

Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide..

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinne….