Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece..

People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, "Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?" Guy said, "Way-ul, we didn….

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it..

Life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves..

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'.

There was also a hunger strike in front of the National Press Club, which seemed an odd place to have a hunger strike (a cocktail fast, maybe). Altho….

Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard..

I once asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic. He told me how he once killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook..

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well..

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries..

Any other town you go to there's this little devil and a little angel on your shoulder. A little good advice, a little bad advice.You go to Las Vegas….

Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet..

There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours..

A grandchild is God's reward for raising a child..

Nothing worse than when a 6 acts like a 10..

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!".

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button..

The first time I came across the birds and the bees in actual flight, I couldn't identify the formation..

How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!.

Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying 'Can I get i….

Suddenly, this romantic agony was enriched by a less romantic one: I had to go to the bathroom. Needless to say, I couldn't let her know about this u….