A sail boat that sails backwards can never see the sun rise..

Every time I hear the name Joe Louis my nose starts to bleed..

After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was "Do….

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice..

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'.

Baseball was made for kids, and grown-ups only screw it up..

I had to stop drinkin, cuz I got tired of waking up in my car driving ninety..

The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse.".

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the f….

I've met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior..

Our Constitution is in actual operation; everything appears to promise that it will last; but in this world nothing is certain but death and taxes..

England occupies a warm spot in my affections. It was the scene of my greatest performance. I was born there..

If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries..

I'd worship the ground you walked on if only you walked in a better neighborhood..

I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance..

Acting is easier and smoother than singing - it's less drama..

I've been playing golf a long time, although it's not really true that on my first round they strapped my bag on the back of a dinosaur..

If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?.

Sailing is a completely new sport for me and I wasn't sure what to expect but I've definitely got the bug..

Nothing said I had to crash..

Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it..