Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!.

When everything is coming your way, youre probably in the wrong lane..

I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!.

How the hell do you wake up dead?.

You're a kid, your whole life is awesome. It's awesome, right? You had no money, no ID, no cell phone, no nothing, no keys to the house. You just ran….

Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye..

My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals..

Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason why so few engage in it..

As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one bas….

The question who ought to be boss is like who ought to be the tenor in the quartet? Obviously, the man who can sing tunor..

I'm gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face..

Gray hair is God's graffiti..

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him..

I don't do drugs anymore... than, say, the average touring funk band..

Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a p….

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to..

I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an e….

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late..

You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know during the Persian Gulf war those intelligence reports would come out: "Iraq: incredible ….

In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded..

Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to..